PARAGRAPH ONE
MY FIRST VERSION:
Teenagers in Argentina are finding it
increasingly difficult to experience happiness due to the excess of
consumption. Most teenagers tend to release their tension by consuming goods
they do not really need. The leading consuming device these days is the mobile
phone, which seems to be a truly necessary tool to keep teenagers connected to
the outside world. In the second place, they adore buying electronic devices
such as Mp3, Mp4, game consoles and digital cameras to take pictures to be
posted on the net immediately. In the third place, they enjoy buying digital
movies even though there is a trend nowadays to download such movies from the
net. Finally, they sometimes like buying best sellers, but they buy them just
for fashion as they first watch the movies based on such books in the cinema. As
a conclusion, it has been proved that such consumption has been replacing the
need for teenagers to enjoy an outdoor life and feel relaxed themselves. Consumption
does not help for adolescents´ happiness and leads to their isolation.
MY MATE´S PARAGRAPH (Rodrigo Alvarenga)
Nowadays, teenagers have got a need of posting in the net whatever they do to become more popular.
Most teenagers tend to release their tension by consuming goods they do not really need. The leading consuming device these days is the mobile phone, which seems to be a truly necessary tool to keep teenagers connected to the outside world. In the second place, they adore buying electronic devices such as Mp3, Mp4, game consoles and digital cameras to take pictures to be posted on the net immediately. In the third place, they enjoy buying digital movies even though there is a trend nowadays to download such movies from the net. Finally, they sometimes like buying best sellers, but they buy them just for fashion as they first watch the movies based on such books in the cinema.
This constant posting that the teenagers do, it is the way they have to belong to the virtual world.
Metacognitive analysis:
I believe that my mate´s topic sentence does not include all the ideas developed in the body of my first paragraph. The supporting ideas within it are mainly focused on consumption and not on posting in the net.
Rodrigo´s conclusion is also based on the virtual world and not on the buying of unnecessary things such as an M3 or MP4.
As a matter of fact, I do believe that both versions differ dramatically as far as the topic or subject is concerned. My version was focused on consumption and Rodrigo´s on the virtual world.
I repeated some words for the sake of emphasis and also used pronouns to make reference to items previously mentioned and reach cohesion.
PARAGRAPH TWO
MY MATE´S PARAGRAPH (Rodrigo Alvarenga)
Nowadays, teenagers have got a need of posting in the net whatever they do to become more popular.
Most teenagers tend to release their tension by consuming goods they do not really need. The leading consuming device these days is the mobile phone, which seems to be a truly necessary tool to keep teenagers connected to the outside world. In the second place, they adore buying electronic devices such as Mp3, Mp4, game consoles and digital cameras to take pictures to be posted on the net immediately. In the third place, they enjoy buying digital movies even though there is a trend nowadays to download such movies from the net. Finally, they sometimes like buying best sellers, but they buy them just for fashion as they first watch the movies based on such books in the cinema.
This constant posting that the teenagers do, it is the way they have to belong to the virtual world.
Metacognitive analysis:
I believe that my mate´s topic sentence does not include all the ideas developed in the body of my first paragraph. The supporting ideas within it are mainly focused on consumption and not on posting in the net.
Rodrigo´s conclusion is also based on the virtual world and not on the buying of unnecessary things such as an M3 or MP4.
As a matter of fact, I do believe that both versions differ dramatically as far as the topic or subject is concerned. My version was focused on consumption and Rodrigo´s on the virtual world.
I repeated some words for the sake of emphasis and also used pronouns to make reference to items previously mentioned and reach cohesion.
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